Some people get
a sudden, inexplicable mental block when they meet a wheelchair user, even if
it’s not the first time. They get confused and complicate things with absurd
actions and words, blissfully ignoring the easiest thing to do: to just behave the
way they would with anyone else. Faced with the unexpected “ordeal” of meeting
someone who gets around on wheels, the cog of stupidity begins to whir,
resulting in some truly dorky behavior. Here are ten of the gems that in our
experience crop up time and again: ten
things no one would ever dream of doing with an able-bodied person.
1) THE PAT ON THE HEAD
Despised and
dreaded by many wheelchair users, it can come at the most unexpected times –
especially if you don’t look your age – and from absolutely anyone. From the little
old lady who thinks we’re all angels, to your parents’ friend who only sees you
once a year, to the dynamic shop assistant who treats you like a child, to the
suit-and-tie businessman who greets everyone else with a shake of the hand and reserves
this preferential treatment just for you. No matter if you’re fifteen or
twenty-five, this greeting is incredibly popular - along with its close
relative, cheek pinching.
2) NEVER TALKING ABOUT YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
It happens
from time to time. A family friend comes to visit and asks to be updated on all
the news, including new and old partners. But they’re only asking about your
brothers and sisters, glossing over the possibility that you too might have
some exciting news.
A cousin you
don’t see much is getting married and tells your siblings that their partners
are, of course, also invited… But she doesn’t say that to you.
A great-aunt asks
for all the gossip on your brother’s latest girlfriend, making you complicit in
her sly observations. And you play along with her, although all the time you’re
thinking “hey, you could ask about MY love life too, you know…”, but no, she’s
already moved on to the next topic.
They seem to
think that asking a young woman in a wheelchair if she has a boyfriend makes as
much sense as asking a five-year-old the same question. Everyone in the room
would obviously either start laughing good-naturedly or just be baffled,
wouldn’t they?
Of course
they would.
3) PEOPLE TALKING EXCLUSIVELY TO YOUR ASSISTANT OR COMPANION
At the
doctor’s, in shops, at the bank... it can happen virtually anywhere. The
scenario is the following, the dynamics are always more or less the same:
Characters:
me, any helper or friend pushing my wheelchair, a shop assistant.
Shop assistant (addressing
my helper): - Hello!
Me and my helper: - Hello!
Me: - Do you have any floor lamps?
Shop assistant: (a bit confused by hearing my voice; he was expecting my helper to
speak, but she keeps silent): - Sorry?
Me: - Do you have any floor lamps?
Shop assistant: (still slightly stunned, addressing my helper): - Do you mean a tall
lamp or a bedside lamp?
Me: - A tall lamp. Something to light up the room as
much as possible.
Shop assistant (to my helper): - Yes, please come over
here, I will show you something (followed
by a bewildered look towards me. He is starting to wonder if he should be talking
to me. And amazingly, he does): - How many Watts?
Me (happy and
satisfied): - 100 Watts.
Shop assistant (to
my helper again. Talking to her is so
much easier - you must understand, he’s already made quite an effort):
- Is this OK?
Me: - Yes, please, but I prefer it in gray.
Shop assistant (who’s
starting to feel vaguely annoyed because my helper won’t answer his questions):
- It’s 20 euros.
Me: - Alright, I'll take it.
My helper
pays at the desk. Everyone says goodbye.
EXIT me and helper
THE END.
To be fair, a
scenario only really plays out to this extreme with the very old or the very ignorant.
I suppose there can’t have been many wheelchair users going shopping in the
first half of the 20th century.
4) PEOPLE AMAZED THAT YOU CAN TALK
Closely related
to number 3 (which is sometimes its natural consequence), this never fails to
provide abundant comic fodder. It pops up when you least expect it: in the form
of nosy pensioners, shop assistants (see above) and lobotomized teachers. While
they may be unsurprised that you can make yourselves understood, they’re
somehow stunned that you can actually talk sensibly, intelligently and
articulately. Some even remain speechless.
5) HEIGHT ISSUES
I don’t
expect everyone to get down to my level, but sometimes people just don’t
realize that during long discussions it would be polite to bend down a little so
I don’t have to lean back at a neck-breaking angle all the time.
Even just making
sure they’re within the eye-line of the person they’re talking to would be a
good start. Many a time I find myself talking to people while staring at their
belly rather than looking them in the face. (Although this is at least
preferable to talking to the crotch of someone who is particularly tall,
especially when they move closer to talk with my helper! It really isn’t the
greatest experience: I’m forced to choose between staring at my knees or
casually looking elsewhere.)
6) HETERO-, HOMO- AND DISABLED-SEXUAL!
The idea that
the disabled are in a sexual class of their own - or if they’re not, that they
would like to be - has apparently taken firm root. People think we are only
interested in other disabled people.
This
idea pops up every now and then. An assistant of mine once encouraged me to get
to know a girl in a wheelchair who lived in the same university halls as me,
and told me seriously that we could even “become friends”. That same assistant also
gave me knowing gestures and winks about a guy in a wheelchair sitting at a table
in the library. Clearly this person wasn’t exactly the ideal assistant, and I
am talking about an extreme case, but there’s no doubt it reflects a very widespread
general idea: that wheelchair users will always look for others like them and
will find other people in wheelchairs irresistibly attractive. Sometimes I
wonder if people think we have our very own sexual orientation.
7) UNEXPECTED VISITS
Another widespread idea is that the average disabled
person has few – or no – commitments
during the day, that we are almost always at home and that we don’t have anything
to do. So there’s no need for visitors to call ahead.
As a disabled
person, I have noticed that more superficial acquaintances, distant relatives
and people making courtesy visits while on holiday in the area often decide to
drop by without calling first, inevitably messing up my plans for the day. And something tells me that this happens less often
to the able-bodied.
You finally
got a morning all to yourself so you can sort through that mountain of paperwork
that’s threatening to bury you? Bad luck: you missed your phone pinging half
hour ago with a text from Giovanna: “Hi there, I’ll be dropping by in a while
to say hello!”
You decided
to use your first free afternoon after the summer exam session to watch that film
you’ve been looking forward to for the last month? Exactly ten minutes after it
starts, someone knocks at the door. Naturally, you can forget the usual “apologies”
that you’d normally receive from unexpected guests.
I know that
in some countries where hospitality is sacred, the idea of a guest calling before
coming round is not even contemplated. And sometimes I find myself admiring
this approach, which our selfish, productivity-focused society has forgotten. But
the fact is, I live in this society,
so it’s natural for me to expect a certain kind of behavior. However, apparently
the same rules don’t always apply to the disabled.
I know that we
aren’t the only ones who get surprise visits, and that everyone has to put up
with an unwanted guest on occasion. So sometimes I wonder if I’m intolerant, a misanthropist
or just plain paranoid. But unfortunately, a recent event confirmed that there
is a basic cultural problem and my intolerance is absolutely justified. A
relative inviting himself to visit us during the Christmas holidays came out
with: “After all, you’re always at home anyway, aren’t you?”
8) BABY TALK
When I go
shopping, sales assistants often greet me with the same forced cheerfulness and
jaw-breaking smiles they normally reserve for four-year-olds out shopping with
their mom. This wouldn’t actually be so different from the normal attitude of
most shop assistants, if it wasn't that they also use that unmistakable
singsong lilt reserved for kids (which I’m actually slightly allergic to in any
case). My appearance probably doesn’t help: a twenty-three-year-old who barely looks
twenty. Maybe this only happens to young wheelchair users (can any middle-aged
man confirm or disprove this theory?). The point is that a good half of shop
assistants and civil servants, plus a few random strangers, tend to address me
with an affectionate familiarity similar to that of the head-patters (see point
1).
9) HANDS OFF MY WHEELCHAIR!
This one can also
be found in the superficial Internet etiquette guides on how to behave with
people with disabilities. Although I don't agree with one of the most commonly repeated
points (I don’t consider my
wheelchair as an extension of my body, but rather as a comfortable chair with
wheels), I agree with the principle that it’s rude to touch a stranger's
wheelchair without a good reason. (For clarity, I am not talking about friends or
acquaintances here.)
I don’t know
why, but older people especially often lean against my wheelchair while they’re
struggling to extricate themselves from a crowd, such as when leaving church. There
are two problems here:
1) My manual wheelchair is very lightweight, and if someone leans against it with all their weight
I risk being overturned. This has actually already happened, and every time I
feel a heavy touch on my wheelchair’s handles I basically lose a year of my
life.
2) I wonder
whether people would lean as thoughtlessly on a stranger’s shoulders? Because that’s
exactly how it feels to me. (So maybe to some extent I do consider it an
extension of my body after all... :) )
10) THE PARCEL
Sometimes it seems
as if being in a wheelchair makes people think you’ve somehow lost your capacity
for self-determination. So they start to treat you like a “parcel”; for example,
when my mother is accompanying me to the dentist, it’s not unusual for one of
her acquaintances to ask: “Are you
taking her for a walk?”
If someone
else has to push your wheelchair, for some obscure reason all of a sudden you’re
more passive than a rag doll.
